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When Does Picky Become Too Picky

I’ve gone on a couple dates with a gal I met on Okcupid.  We have a lot in common.  And she’s attractive and intelligent.  But there is one thing that irks me about her.  She doesn’t say thank you.  I buy dinner.  I open the car door for her.  Flowers. But I never get a thank you.  

I didn’t realize it at first.  But then I did and it started to bother me.   I don’t feel like she has a sense of entitlement. She’s very nice and she does give me compliments.  But there’s something about not saying thank you that bothers me.  When we were out to dinner last, I knocked her silverware on the floor so the server would have to bring her clean utensils to see if she thanked the server.  The server did not receive a thank you.  He got a nod and a smile.

She has a lot of qualities that I look for in a woman.  She doesn’t really have any bad qualities that I have noticed.  But I might stop seeing her because of this.  I’ve thought about saying something to her about it.  But the subject seems awkward to me because it seems like  common sense/manners that if someone does something for you, you say thank you.

I’m a picky guy.  But is stopping seeing someone because they don’t say thank you being too picky?


18 responses to “When Does Picky Become Too Picky

  1. Manda

    That would honestly irk the shit out of me. I say “thank you” a lot not just because it’s polite, but I know how much some people appreciate hearing those words. And if you try to bring this up to her, I can imagine how terribly awkward it would be. This is a talk she should have had with her mom or dad or kindergarten teacher a long time ago. So in my opinion, you’re not being picky or focusing on something trivial here. Perhaps if you really like her, you could wait to have this talk once you’re both more comfortable around each other. But really, like you said, doesn’t it seem like common sense to thank someone? Why should you have to tell her?

    • That’s what I was thinking. It’s something that falls under the category of “Being Human 101”. What makes it more odd is from what I gather it sounds like she had a good upbringing.

  2. Matt79

    If you like all of these other things about her, I think it would be worth trying to ask gently about this. It might be a bit awkward, but isn’t it worth trying anyway given that you like all of these other things about her? If it all goes horribly wrong then you can stop seeing her like you were considering doing anyway and you won’t have lost anything apart from a few moments of your life feeling awkward.

  3. maryfreemannyc ⋅

    I agree with Matt. While I think it’s odd that she hasn’t said thank you yet when there have been multiple instances that would warrant it, maybe she doesn’t realize it somehow? Hard for me to comprehend as it would never occur to me to not say it, but I can’t expect everyone I meet to be raised like I was and unfortunately, I guess you can’t either :-). Awkward conversation for sure, but hopefully it will go well and you can both laugh about it later! Good luck!

  4. New Single Guy ⋅

    If that’s really the only pitfall you’ve encountered about her so far, I agree with Matt and Mary.

    That being said, if something bothers you this much about a person (be it not saying thank you or something else) you’re dating, to the point where it overrides a lot of good things, then maybe it’s best to move on. You could always try to figure out why it bothers you and to see if there’s a way you can deal with it internally.

    • It bothers me because I feel saying thank you is one of the building blocks of manners. It’s one of the first things we learn as children. And if someone doesn’t know that or do that, I think there must be something wrong with them. I’m seeing her this weekend. I might say something.

  5. Dating Superstar ⋅

    I agree it’s annoying, but in her defense she probably doesn’t even realize it. In the past few months it occurred to me that I didn’t verbally thank people enough even though I am thankful. It took having a shitty boss and shitty job for me to realize it because I was busting my ass and never got any appreciation. One day maybe she’ll realize this, but it’s not up to you to point it out.

    Ps I definitely say thank you a lot more now

  6. It would bother me as well. It’s something I tend to notice when I’m out with others, and I may actually go overboard with the thank yous when someone does something for me.

    Have you tried saying thank you when people do things for her (like the silverware replacement) to see if she picks up on the hint?

    I’ve also been known to say “you’re welcome” when someone neglects to say thank you to me for something I’ve done. 😉

    Good luck!

  7. You dropping your fork on the floor made me giggle. That’s totally something I would do. And I don’t think you’re being too picky. The thank you thing would drive me nuts too.

    However, I sometimes think the little things are a representation of something bigger. At this point, you’re not going to teach her new social graces. You could bring it up and tell her that it bothers you and see what happens. My suggestion is to think about what is really bothering you. Because when I’m in a new relationship and totally digging someone this is the point where they can do no wrong.

    I would bring it up though and see what happens. It’s an awkward conversation but if that’s the only thing that is bothering you about her this could be your chance to change it.

    Good luck and keep us posted.

  8. Pingback: 11 Red Flags to Watch Out For | Secret Crushes

  9. Matthew

    Definitely a matter of Manners 101. It isn’t too difficult to say “Thank You” when someone does something for you; whether they had to or not. I’d be irritated. Heck, it gets under my skin whenever I take the time to hold the door for someone and they just keep walking. No thank you. At times not even eye contact. At that point I find myself wishing I had let it slip through my fingers and smack them in the face. 🙂

    Seriously, as awkward as it would be to bring it up; if she has a LOT of other great qualities then it would be worth while mentioning to her. How to bring it up…well, I don’t know.

  10. I couldn’t do it & would be done. It’s a common courtesy, not to mention an integral part of a relationship. We all like to feel appreciated. Imagine doing something really important or nice for her, & you get nothing….you feel like the waiter with clean silverware because you get a nod & a smile. By the way, who does that, the Queen Mother?? Open your mouth, push the words out, it’s not that hard!! Thank you for this post!! 😉

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