I apologize for not updating this sooner, for those of you that are interested. And I appreciate that you are:)
Amy (This is the first time I’m addressing someone by name. Even though I’m not using her real name. And I didn’t tell her write a blog.) met for dinner this past Friday. Through our online dating experience, we were going to leave it as a simple dinner and if it was smooth, follow it up by going to a comedy club. Dinner went smooth enough and we did make it to the comedy club. All in all, it was a good night and a good date. But I was wishy washy on seeing her again.
The original nostalgia that was there when we met wore off on the phone conversation we had setting up our date. We really didn’t have too much in common besides our online dating war stories. And she had a lot more than I did because she was doing it for so long. I do like her. But that spark that I look for wasn’t there. She and I talked about it last night. She thanked me for my honesty. We did have good conversation as I mentioned and decided to meet once or twice a month for coffee.
Two things came out of that date, one good and one I’m still pondering per a conversation I had with one of my good friends the night after the date. He commended me for realizing that this girl isn’t someone I would to be in a relationship with and for communicating that to her. He said I’m maturing and growing up. Back story on him is, he’s been married for five years and like to think he’s a big brother figure in my life even though he’s only a few months older than I am. I agreed with that.
What pissed me off a little was when he said the big warning flag on her should have been was that she has been doing online dating for over 10 years. His reasoning was that people go on these sites specifically to find someone and if it takes that long, there must be an issue with the person. I said that there is no difference if it takes someone over 10 years online or off of it to find someone one wants to be with. The method shouldn’t matter. We left it with a “whatever and I’ll talk to you later.”
After I got off the phone with my friend, I started thinking about it. The method in which people meet shouldn’t matter, right? I don’t think so. But then I put myself in that position and it did get to me a little. I have no problem being single. And if it takes a while to find what I’m looking for or if I never do, I’m fine with that. But something about doing it online for say the next 10 years did sound a little… not great:) Maybe it is just that, the sound of it because even though online dating is completely mainstream, there still is that small stigma that it’s kinda weird. And doing it for over 10 years makes it sound a little weirder.
Anyone want to weigh in here? Any other people been doing it for over 10 years? Is there a point where too much online dating is too much? I liked the sound of those line:) Sounds like they’re from a talk show.
35andonlinedating 
I think your previous post said that she’d done it “on and off” for many years – that means she could have have some long-term relationships from it, and then gone back to online dating after breakups. I guess maybe your later musings are implying that you know that not to be the case.
I like the idea of online dating but back when I was doing it I certainly had mixed experiences at best. I’m still not sure whether “too much” of it leads to a feeling that dating is just a game of numbers and formulas and repeating the same “game plan”. In my case it did seem to make other types of dates seem special by comparison!
When we first met, it was on and off as she put it. On our date, I got the feeling it was more on than off.
I’m thinking it all comes down to the person and I have to leave how we meet out of the equation.
First off, I’m so impressed with your honesty. You’re a good man for being upfront and honest with this girl. Honesty is not an easy thing but kudos to you for knowing that you weren’t feeling it and being strong enough to tell her that. Bravo!
As far as the online dating for 10 years thing. I understand where you’re coming from and where your friend is coming from. 10 Years of online dating, please Lord don’t let that be me. But you can’t judge someone without walking in their shoes. I wouldn’t let that be the deal breaker. If you’re not feeling the butterflies, that’s a deal breaker, but don’t fret over the online dating thing. It’s hard to meet people. Especially when you’re in your late 30’s and 40’s.
I have matured most in the honesty category. There’s no reason to play games anymore and I don’t have time to.
I agree that it’s hard to meet good people in today’s world. So it doesn’t matter how it happens as long as it happens:)
You asked if it matters how you meet someone. My first answer is yes. Life has taught me that it matters how things begin. It matters how YOU enter a relationship. We could talk about the other person, but since you have no control over her…it’s not the point anyway. It matters what YOUR state is at the beginning of anything, and in my opinion, especially relationships. What happens if you are not ready for a commitment, but you go along with say–marriage–anyway? What happens if your expectations are unrealistic? What happens if you enter the relationship for all the wrong reasons–you’re lonely is at the top of the list? What unresolved issues and conditioning are you carrying with you into the relationship? So yes, it matters how you meet someone. My second answer is no. What you seem to really be asking is if it matters whether you meet someone online or in person initially. Here’s the thing: if you meet online, eventually, you will meet in person (if you choose to do so). So you’ll arrive at the same point that you’d be at if you had met the person in person in the first place. However, meeting online gives you the opportunity to do what I’d call first level screening. You don’t get to do this if you just run into someone at the coffee shop (as you did). By the time you meet the person in person, you’ll already know something about her (assuming she was honest in profile). You’ll already conjuring up images of what could be. You’ve even got some ideas about where problems might occur IF you’ve taken the time to really communicate during the online stage. Effective communication takes skill. What if you’re not so skilled at it? Then what does it matter? When you meet, you’ll decide if you want to take another step with her. You did that. You decided. I say trust your instincts and don’t waste time judging her or anyone else on their efforts to find their “perfect someone.”
Thanks for the great response! Effective communication does take skill. A skill not regularly practiced since it’s tough for most people. Why is that though? People don’t want to be honest maybe?
The idea of online dating consistently over a 10-year span would initially cause me concern… Upon further reflection though, I know plenty of people that offline date for years anyway, so it may not matter?
That being said, I’d have a pretty strong negative reaction to someone that I may be interested in dating, if they told me that they were using online dating off-and-on for 10 years… That would indicate to me that they aren’t really willing to settle down and have long-term relationship, which is what I’m looking for.
I’m conflicted on the whole idea of it. Since it’s not leading to a relationship anyway, it doesn’t matter. But I guess this issue could come up again. So I want to be mentally ready if it does.
I did the online dating thing on and off for probably 5 years after my separation/divorce. I wasn’t meeting anyone “relationship worthy” so I hid my profile(s) and expanded my social circle via a social group. I do know (and am friends with) a few people who I know have been active in online dating for 10+ years. They’re not just dating to rack up the numbers, but are looking for that “perfect” woman. I ended up meeting my current BF thanks to the social group and getting myself out around the city doing things I wasn’t doing before. Personally, I think you have a better chance meeting someone doing things you like or doing something new rather than sitting at a keyboard.
Does “perfect” anything exist;)?
Do you mind if I ask what social group it was? Someone told me Meetup groups are a good place to meet people because you’re doing fun activities with people that enjoy the same activities.
I initially checked out meetup, but they had specific “groups.” I got myself more active (and found a ton of new friends) via meetin.org. I liked the one calendar option of all different kids of events.
Thanks for the tip. I’ll check it out.
I have been using online dating off and on (after each relationship ends, back online I go) for 10 years. Is that too much? I really really don’t know and I really don’t care. It works quite well for me. Do bear in mind that I meet and date women in real life as well as through friends and other social connections.
I gave it some thought and I don’t care either. I meet as many people offline as I do on it. It really doesn’t matter how you meet people. As long as you enjoy their company.
I’m a bit late commenting, but I’m on the side that believes the method doesn’t matter at all. In all technicality I’ve been online dating since 2004 (off and on due to relationships between then and now).
It doesn’t matter. These days online dating is pretty much like meeting at a coffee shop, or a bar, or a grocery store. What about if I said I’ve been dating based on set-ups from friends for 10 years. Would that be a red flag against me, or just a sign that my friends suck at setting me up with women? 😉
If you added up all the time I’ve dated in my life, it wouldn’t total ten years. 🙂 There was no online dating in the eighties (the first time I dated). I’ve tried online dating off and on since my marriage ended. The thought of doing that for ten years is a little overwhelming! But then again, the thought of dating for the next ten years (however I met people) is also overwhelming. You wouldn’t think it would take that long to find someone to click with. Or maybe I just wouldn’t think it because I married my first boyfriend? Hmmm. I’ll have to keep thinking about this!
I myself go periods of time where I don’t even open my pof or okcupied mail for months, I just don’t bother to deactivate them either. I am sure others just leave them as they are and not give them much effort. Why close doors if not involved seriously I guess.
I agree. If you’re not in a relationship, any avenue to meet people is a good avenue:)